Vampires in the Lemon Grove

As the title suggests, this story is composed as a list of rules for how to survive “Antarctic tailgating,” which is somewhat similar to football tailgating, save that a person goes to the Antarctic to watch different opposing animal species fight to the death. The spectators choose a side, dress up like that species, and then they cheer on that species.

The presumed narrator is Dougbert Shackleton. He begins by saying:

Perhaps it is odd to have rules for tailgating when the Food Chain Games themselves are a lawless bloodbath. And that is what a lot of fans love about the games: no rules, no refs, no box seats, and no hot pretzels—not below the Ross Ice Shelf! (135).

He says that if you want to tailgate in the Antarctic, you must:

Notarize your will. Transfer what money you’ve got into a trust for your kids. You’ll probably want to put on some weight for the ride down to the ice caves; a beer gut has made the difference between life and death at the blue bottom of the world. Eat a lot of Shoney’s and Big Boy and say your prayers (136).

Then he gives specific rules.