How to Win Friends and Influence People

Everyone enjoys being admired, whether it’s for their looks, personality, or achievements. Along with expressions of appreciation and acknowledgments of a person’s importance, admiration warms the hearts of those around us and makes them want us around. 

When we appreciate someone, we tell them we value them and their contributions to our lives. Most people crave that kind of compliment and will go out of their way to cooperate with people who appreciate them. Carnegie quotes William James “William James said: ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated’” (18). Along with admiration and acknowledgments of a person’s importance, expressions of appreciation generate large amounts of goodwill in the recipient. Those who express heartfelt appreciation to others tend to gain large followings. 

Carnegie suggests his readers avoid arguing at all costs. Even if you win an argument, you lose the goodwill of the person you defeat. Arguing breaks the rules of friendship and influence: It humiliates rather than praises; it criticizes rather than encourages; it interrupts rather than listens. Instead of arguing, find areas of agreement, understand and sympathize with the other’s viewpoint, and suggest ways the other person can benefit by going along with your idea or belief.