Heart Berries

Mailhot styles this chapter in the form of a letter to her ex-lover, Casey. She writes from a psychiatric hospital where she has committed herself because she is struggling with depression and has no will to live anymore. She reflects on the White logic of Casey, who thinks she’s crazy, and the lack of understanding of her ancestral and spiritual values at her therapist’s office. She refers to checking herself in as “signing a new treaty” (18). Mailhot takes up the daily activities of the ward—coloring, tidying her room, attending group therapy. She struggles with the dichotomies of White forgiveness—in her culture, “we carry pain until we can reconcile it through ceremony” (26). Mailhot writes about her conflicted feelings toward her mother, who was vicious, neglectful, powerful, and independent. Before her death by stroke, Mailhot’s mother met Paul Simon and starred in a documentary about an ex-lover and activist named Sal Agador. Like all the other men in their lives, Paul Simon seemed like a savior but failed them. Mailhot is diagnosed with bipolar II, an eating disorder, and PTSD upon her release on Christmas Day. She continues to struggle at home, feeling degraded, and lost in the pain of being loved and loving someone.