Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be (2022) is a self-help parenting book penned by Dr. Becky Kennedy. It offers a parenting approach based on attachment theory and the internal family systems model and centers on the underlying principle that everyone is good inside. The book explores internal goodness as one of its central themes, along with themes of prioritizing connection over consequence and taking a long-term view of parenting.

Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, mother of three, and founder of Good Inside, a multi-channel platform that offers information, advice, and strategies for parents. Touted as the “Millennial Parenting Whisperer” (Shafrir, Doree. “Dr. Becky Has Become the Millennial Parenting Whisperer.” Time, 26 June 2021), Dr. Kennedy began dispensing parenting advice through her Instagram account in February 2020. Her offerings have grown to include a podcast and paid workshops in her parenting approach, and she has been profiled by Time, The New York Times, and CNN. Good Inside is her first book.

This guide is based on the HarperCollins 2022 edition.

Summary

Good Inside is divided into two parts. Part 1 examines the 10 parenting principles Dr. Kennedy practices in her personal life and advises her readers to use, while Part 2 looks at strategies to build connection and relationships as well as tackle specific parenting issues.

The first principle is what underlies Dr. Kennedy’s entire approach: the principle of internal goodness. This is the assumption that everyone, including children and parents, is good and generous at their core. Parents can remember this by applying what Dr. Kennedy terms the “most generous interpretation” of a behavior, i.e., looking at the reasons and feelings that motivate disruptive behavior.

The second principle is multiplicity, the ability to accept that “two things are true” (15). This ability to accept that two different realities can coexist is foundational to the health of any relationship, including the parent-child bond. It allows for a parent to be a good parent and enforce boundaries while also allowing the child to be upset about it. It is also a reminder that one can be a good parent or kid who is having a hard time.

The third principle is knowing one’s job, as clear roles and responsibilities are integral to the smooth functioning of any system, including a family. The child’s role is to explore and learn. The parent’s role is to maintain the physical and psychological safety of the child by enforcing boundaries and providing validation and empathy for their feelings.

The fourth principle is that the early years matter, as children form a blueprint for how they view the world and themselves based on their early experiences with their parents. Dr. Kennedy presents the psychological models of attachment theory and the internal family systems model to explain a child’s need to attach for survival and how children reinforce the parts of themselves that receive connection while rejecting the parts that don’t.

The fifth principle states that, despite the brain’s tendency to wire itself early, it also exhibits neuroplasticity, the ability to rewire and relearn. Hence, it is never too late to repair disconnection or “rupture” and thus change and heal the experience in an individual’s memory.

The sixth principle is that the need to learn resilience is more important than fostering a child’s happiness through the avoidance of distress. Resilience is the ability to manage a wide range of feelings in order to cope with anything that happens in the future.

The seventh principle establishes that all behavior is a window to an emotion under the surface. Addressing the root cause of behavior brings slower but long-term change, making it more worthwhile than using only behavior modification strategies that provide temporary relief.

The eighth principle highlights the need for parents to recognize and reduce shame, a difficult feeling that causes loneliness and can lead to maladaptive behavior later in life if left unchecked. Shame needs to be replaced with connection.

The ninth principle is the need to be honest with children about difficult topics or questions. What scares them is not information, but the absence of both information and an adult’s presence.

The final principle is the importance of self-care for parents. When parents replenish their resources, they can model a strong sense of self for their children and remain well-rested and regulated to help them be good and effective parents.

Part 2 of the book emphasizes that behavior cannot be changed without building connection, as disruptive behavior is usually a sign of an unmet need or disconnect. Dr. Kennedy uses the analogy of an emotional bank account, in which the currency is connection. Parents need to replenish the account constantly, and Dr. Kennedy provides several strategies that help parents do so, from games to questions for reflection.

Part 2 also addresses specific, common behaviors among children: not listening, emotional and aggressive tantrums, sibling rivalry, rudeness and defiance, whining, lying, fears and anxiety, hesitation and shyness, frustration intolerance, food and eating habits, consent, tears, perfectionism, separation anxiety, and sleep. Dr. Kennedy frames issues with these behaviors as developmentally normal and even healthy. Each behavior is ultimately a clue to the underlying emotional dysregulation of the child, which parents can address using connection-building strategies and scripts.

Dr. Kennedy also describes “deeply feeling kids” (DFKs), who experience more intense emotions than others and react with longer and more frequent tantrums. These children need different strategies than usual, but most important is the presence of the adult and the constant reiteration and reinforcement of the inner goodness of the child.

In conclusion, Dr. Kennedy reiterates the underlying principle of her approach, “Good Inside,” and the idea that two things can be true at once. She views these as the keys to changing any behavior, in either the parent or the child, for the better and believes these ideas allow parents to be more grounded and empathetic.