Down the Drain

Content Warning: This section of the guide details substance use, heavy alcohol consumption, physical and emotional abuse, domestic and intimate partner violence, sexual violence, and death by suicide.

“Everything is so colossal here. The towering buildings cast shadows that stretch as far as my wide eyes can see, while the people, who look nothing alike, bustle around as if part of some grand dance. I’m a provincial girl from a small town where everything seems miniature in comparison. I feel miniature too, but not in an insignificant way. I feel small in a way that feels exciting, like I have yet to be discovered.”

Julia’s move to New York City as a child ushers her into a world of possibility and opportunity. She sees the city as a vibrant inspiration, even at a young age. This descriptive passage foreshadows Julia’s deep, lasting, and complex relationship with the city.

“Lately I’ve been stealing anything I can get my hands on. I go to the stores in the neighborhood and they never suspect me. I’m smooth. I never get caught. I steal candy from the dollar store, I steal makeup from the drugstore, I steal clothes out of the laundry room of my building. And sometimes when my dad’s wallet is sitting out, I take a small amount of money and stash it in the secret compartment of my music box. It’s not much, just twenty dollars here and there. Sometimes fifty. Sometimes five. But it sure adds up quickly. However, I only know how to count to ninety-nine. So I stack piles of ninety-nine dollars until I have so many stacks that I need to find a new place to hide them.”

Julia’s childhood stealing habits are a symptom of her fraught home life. Julia learns to steal because she needs to take care of herself. The habit is one of Julia’s early survival mechanisms and reactions to her challenges.

“I learn to navigate my way through shattered expectations and constant disappointments by putting an impenetrable wall up between us. Every time I let my guard down, I’m quickly reminded why my defenses were up in the first place. It’s nearly impossible for me to flourish in an inconsistent hostile environment, especially when my own growth is so intertwined with his. I’m forced to face the unsettling reality that the people who are supposed to protect us are sometimes the same people we need protection from.”

Julia’s increasingly fraught relationship with her dad compels her to seek love, acceptance, and validation outside the context of her family. Her dad’s negligence and abuse also acquaint Julia with disappointment and abandonment from a young age. As a result, she is driven into other complicated relationships, seeking the love her dad couldn’t give her.