American Panda

Content Warning: This section discusses cultural stereotypes, familial pressure and conflict, and identity struggles, including references to body shaming.

“Mrs. Pan, a family friend who used to drive me to Chinese school, came over to our table to say hello, which apparently required grabbing my chin to inspect my face. My instinct to be deferential (heightened by my mother’s side-eye) warred with my desire to shake off Mrs. Pan’s bacteria-covered hands.”

The novel begins by showcasing Mei’s internal conflict regarding her cultural identity. She must always obey her traditional Chinese mother and elder family friends by being subservient, but her severe fear of germs and desire for autonomy conflict with this cultural value.

“‘You don’t get to call yourself Taiwanese. You’re not. And you’re not Chinese either, since your grandparents fled from there. You don’t belong anywhere.’

I was used to being shunned by others for my different-tinted skin, different-shaped eyes, and my parents’ difficulty with ls and rs, but this was completely new. I guess to Leslie, we weren’t the same either. Shortly thereafter, her bed was empty, a constant reminder of how much I didn’t belong.”

Mei’s first encounter with her old roommate, Leslie, was a shock because Mei had never been confronted so directly with the prejudice brought about by cultural tensions between Taiwan and China. This illustrates that the prejudice immigrants often face sometimes comes from other immigrants and can be just as damaging as racist prejudice perpetuated by nonimmigrants. This moment also highlights Mei’s struggle to feel like she belongs, especially in a new environment like MIT.

 “I had found my safe space. It was worth having to disinfect these socks now. And it was worth having to withstand the disapproving Mama Lu in my head with her pinched lips and hands on her hips. Dancing instead of studying, Mei? Each step is a stomp on my heart. God, she was always so dramatic. I pushed her out and focused on the breeze through my hair, the swishing of my feet, the energy flowing from my fingertips to my toes.

Even though I was exerting myself, my breathing was easier here. Natural. It was the one place I could express myself, be completely me. If only I could find another who spoke dance.”

When Mei finds the Porter Room, she finally has at least once space that feels like home on the MIT campus. Hearing Mama Lu’s voice in her head reveals how ingrained her parents’ cultural values are in her life. Mei can never fully have the independence she craves because her overbearing parents go with her everywhere, physically and mentally. This is why dance as an escape is so important to Mei.